“The person who tries to keep everyone happy and always cares for everyone is always the most lonely person..”
I was scrolling through pinterest a while back when I saw this and it instantly struck a cord in me. Why? Because, by definition that was me.
I could relate so well with the quote it scared me.
Countless times I’ve been told, “Julena, you’re such a happy person,” or “Julena you’re so funny,” etc. Thing was, the girl that everyone thought was so funny and happy I didn’t know. At the end of the day when I came home, that girl was never around. Behind closed doors when no one was looking, I came face to face with the girl that no one saw. The sad one..the lonely one.. the scared one.
The countless number of friends that others associated with me and the numerous amount of jokes, laughter, and smiles that seemed to be tattooed to my personality evaporated when I was alone. Loneliness became my companion and silence my best friend, but no one knew because no one cared enough to ask.
Everyone saw a smiling girl who came from a decent home, and assumed that everything in her life was okay. No one took the task to look a little deeper- to look past the smile, stare into the deep, chocolate eyes and see sadness in its depths.
No one cared enough to pry.
And I wanted it.
No, I longed for it.
I wanted someone to ask and genuinely mean the question, “You okay?”
I yearned for that human companion who I could unload on and speak my mind without the fear of getting judged. Someone who would understand that behind the happy exterior was a lonely girl looking for comfort- longing for reassurance that she wasn’t alone.
It pained me for a while, because in honestly I didn’t know what on earth was wrong with me. I didn’t understand how I could be so happy yet so unexplainably sad and lonely at the same time. I wasn’t bipolar, I didn’t have any prominent issues (that I knew about) and I wasn’t a fake, yet the exuberance that I carried with me through the day seemed to never follow me to my bedroom. Why?
Chronically, it got worse. I eventually couldn’t stand the quiet- I would wear headphones and listen to music constantly to drown out the deafening quietness that had become my constant companion. I read books to transport me into another world and pretend that I was living a completely different life. I watched movies to interact with the actors and help them find their “true” destination and meaning for life (which has become a habit consequently making me a horrible movie date) and I hated to be left alone for extended periods of time. I was despondent- I felt alone and it was the only way I knew how to cope.
So when I found this quote that so beautifully expressed my emotions, I was ecstatic because I now knew that I wasn’t the only person who felt this way. I knew that I could find a solution because I wasn’t the only person inflicted with the problem.
Eventually, I was able to work up the courage to face it head on. I analyzed myself and tried to open up more to others. Gradually, I got better. I can’t say what specific method or methods worked since I don’t really know, but I do know that whatever I did helped me a little.
I’m no Lucky Charms, but I am happier now than I was before. I can now relax alone and feel some contentment in silence. I can laugh at myself, dance and sing when I’m alone; I can joke and make fun of myself without feeling dorky. How?
I realized that my source of happiness doesn’t come from other people. It came from within. I couldn’t find that human companion but I did find Someone. I found a Friend who I could confide my deepest fears to and it help me ease up on the burden that I carried.
Also, I chose to be happy. I chose to my live for me. I chose to smile instead of crying and overcame my insecurities. Even though I would’ve liked for someone to care for me as I do others, I didn’t necessarily need them in my life in order to find happiness. I found a Friend who I could confide my deepest fears to and it help me ease up on the burden that I carried.
Another thing that helped was the realization that I kept on sacrificing my happiness for friends and wasn’t allowing myself to do the things that made me happy. I sacrificed my joy in order to see them smile, and even though that was rewarding in itself, I noticed that I was letting that get in the way of my true contentment with life. I also realized that I was the only one sacrificing my happiness-they weren’t doing the same for me. This eventually spurred me to take action and not let others dictate how I live my life.
I came to the conclusion that while I will always lend a listening ear and help another person, I will never let anyone deter me from my own path of personal achievement, happiness, and growth because my happiness is just as important as theirs.
I guess what I was trying to say through all this emotional mumbo jumbo is that the next time you see a person who is always smiling at you appearing to be jovial, watch. Don’t alway mark them off as a happy person. What goes on behind close doors might be something you would never imagine. That smiling exterior could be their way of hiding their pain. Silent, brooding people aren’t always the ones that need help, the exuberant person beside you might be hoping you could turn an ear their way also.
Take the time to genuinely get to know them and be their friend, because even happy people need real friends they can show their “not-so-happy” side too.
**GIFS FOUND ON GOOGLE**